It beats for you

All things come along at the right time. I feel that I chose to begin eating animal products with omnivorous intent at the right time. I feel that She and I broke up at the right moment, allowing me to focus on Me and for her to realize that maybe it was time to go back to the Golden State. 10 years ago I opted to not to watch a movie titled Donnie Darko. 6 years ago the DVD fell in to my hands at an important time. Floored by the concept, casting, script, effects, and music, the movie left me with quite a feeling. It put me in a place I tried to stay in, using the soundtrack and communing with pals who had been affected similarly.

Less than a fortnight had passed since I recalled a song from my high school years that I heard only once. I discussed it the very next day in AM Study hall with a kid who sang in a band that I may describe as heavy like Helmet, mellow like early Smashing Pumpkins. I had seen the video for this song late the night before and it appealed to me as a fan of The Cure and having recently discovered Smashing Pumpkins. The song was “Black Metallic” by Catherine Wheel.

So two weeks ago, in a moment I can't recall with clarity, this song came to mind. Out of nowhere. Last night, i opted to watch S. Darko, a movie I was advised against by some kid, as he was a fan of Donnie Darko and said that the movie did not stand up to it's predecessor. Knowing that Richard Kelly, who was at the helm for Donnie Darko had not written, directed, or produced it, I waited until I was truly hungry for a mind bender and not in a spot where a cinematic disappointment would wreck my evening. That night was last, and through the first half of the film I was truly pleased, as the movie bore an appropriate, not direct, resemblance to Donnie Darko. If you have seen Richard Kelly's Southland Tales or The Box, you may know that he uses music, pop music, effectively in his films. The scores seem to revolve around the song selection and create a mood which allows the drop point of the songs to be a memorable one.

About halfway through the film S. Darko, set in 1995, waiting for a Smashing Pumpkins tune or another song marking post-Cobain young America, Catherine Wheel leaves my speakers in a timely, almost arousing fashion. The scene in which Sam Darko, or her specter, whatever it is, lift up off the motel bed and approach the camera is very promising, and when the film ends you may realize, as I did, that it was not meant to be a head-scratcher of a conclusion, as it was Donnie Darko's storyline paralleled and all that was not meant to happen, well, go watch it.

In the film there are several references to fate, destiny, God, and His will. As I watched the film I felt connected to the script as recently I agreed with myself that it was time to stop rushing around, and quit barreling towards every appointment, or date, or goal that helps plot my life. Slowing down, smelling, tasting, touching, and knowing that I am where I am supposed to be could be a course of action that may help me persist and understand. It came to me last year that my life is not what I will be or where I am going, nor even where I have been or the stories I have to tell. My life is every day, every minute. This is my life. Without Her by choice, missing Her company as consequence, and hoping that She is not as angry with Herself as She may be with me through contemplative, and action-less observation. Every day is my life. Not the shortcut I could have took to the airport or the concert I didn't go to since I was hungover. The road I took instead, and what I did the day I opted not to see The Cure in 2004 were the moments I lived. The truth I could have told, the minute I could have said “no”, they are simply false memories I could continue to feed myself in order to promote something I never understood yet do not need.

I feel often that the things I have done in my life that have left sadness and anger in their wake define me, and that in order to exhibit my regret I must disclose all of my misdeeds and let the viewing audience judge me. That method has invaded nealry all my personal introdutions, save for my business relationships. I have met girls and ran away from them yelling “I'm white trash! I have two credit card accounts in collections! My parents use drugs! Caveat emptor!” An inverted suit of armor.
“Hello, would you like to know everything bad about me as I buy you a beer?”
Knowing even then that it would do me no good, I persisted. When She and I met, that is precisely what happened. And She vowed to love me through all of it. The ugliest moments and the most manic of weeks. She said She would, and in the end I would not let Her. In the end, my inability to quit animating Her past in my head was what defined our separation. Quite sad really, as only now, as I type this, do I realize that what I was trying to convey in this post when I set out to write it, and what happened with Our messy severance, are actually manifestations of the same warped application I used for emotional effectiveness. Wow that is weird.

So, to paraphrase Descartes and to regurgitate what I have been hearing often, from multiple sources lately, 'as I think of myself, I am, and as I see myself, so shall I be'. Quite a profound meaning, even more so to me, as it took me 31 years to figure that out. A semi-public figure in the personal training industry, and high visibility my entire life [I have been forever tall], I was terrified that people would find out “all the bad stuff about me” before they met me, leaving me with no chance to make that golden first impression that I often do. Or, that someone I had scarred would tell my story to receptive audiences and my image as a trainer and a US Marine would be forever flawed. Here I arrive at a half truth yet a whole realization. I am not the things in my apartment or the frames on my wall. I am not the train I take or the money I make. I am what I leave people with, and they are to me the same. So, when I was concerned with preempting people's opinion of me I was sinning, missing the mark, as it is important to allow people to know who I am and what I can do, but only for their benefit, not for mine. To race towards an interception point facilitating my own glory is a misguided act leading to misrepresentation of myself. I can protect and I can help you, irrespective of who I cheated on or what bank I owe money to.

Feeling then, of course, that my blunt honesty was a fabulous virtue and everyone who met me could defend me if anyone else said anything less than complimentary led me to where I am now. Now, knowing that honesty is crucial yet firing arrows of truth from a quiver of greed and lust only brought pain for the mark, I feel that it was worth it all along to have misfired and misrepresented myself, for only so many years under that cloud could have enabled me to see, truly see, what it is I had done and what I was hoping to gain. I should work not to gain, and give not to be glorified. I should speak not to be heard and listen not to placate. I have seen and not believed why hearts beat the way they do. From this point, be it high up or far away or frighteningly close or dangerously low, I can see. Who I was then and who I told people I could be or who I told them I had been, that is my life. Every day, every trigger pulled and every favor returned. All my truth and lies, and the words spoken from everyone who wanted me to stand up and look out has been my life. I am my life. I am right where I am supposed to be, for every choice I made and didn't make has put me here. Where I am going is only relative to where I am, and where I have been is part of me yet can not dictate anything more than history, fact. I would tell you that I regret not having Her here to share this with me, but if I had not told Her I needed to go, I may not have had this revelatory post on a rainy Saturday afternoon where I should be doing my business taxes. Where I was doing my business taxes until I chose to have a cup of coffee and listen to the song that started this post, one more time. I would thank Her with a song but that is not my place. My place is away from Her right now. As I wanted, as She did not believe, yet, as I am. As I think of myself, I am. As I believe of myself, so shall I be.